bestlittlegirl

09:14 pm: got back from overseas trip. i officially weigh 96.8lbs now. i guess its because i ate so much less there but im so afraid it'll just all come back on. i so didnt want to come back. sigh.

11:21 pm: met up with a friend today and i was shocked to see how skinny she'd become. or at least what i could see of her which was her arms... but something kept me from telling out loud to her how thin she'd become. its like i didnt WANT to admit to her that i thought she was very skinny now. well, she's always been weight conscious n even been sick for a period. i guess there's just this competitive side of me. i felt so lousy the entire time i was hanging out with her. its like she'd won or something and it was even worse since i was feeling like a fat whale. and the whole time i was with her, my imagination just went overtime..i could just feel her looking at me thinking that i'd become bigger from the last time she'd seen me. it just kills me to think that she might weigh lesser than me now when she used to be like 15 pounds heavier. shit.

08:30 pm: its hilarious how you THINK you're in control. but of course, you finally realise that it takes a lot more to really be in control.

its alright, i dont understand myself either.

08:00 pm: i am such a conniving and hypocritical person really. two of my friends are so obsessed about their weight and i act like they're really pathetic for having to think about what they eat every single second. its killing me to pretend like i dont care at all when im actually obsessing about it all the time. i diss them like they're so annoying for complaining that they've put on 7 lbs when i myself would've died if i'd allowed myself to do so.
on another note, food has increasingly become an emotional release for me, which i really hate since i feel like ive lost all control over myself. this is consuming so much of my mind i cant think about anything else.

04:49 pm: i guess its about time i delurked. stopped posting eons ago but i do still read. guess everything thats been happening in my life has just been making me sick n tired. thought i could let go of this shit but its really easier said than done. sometimes i fantasize about how thin i'd become and how everyone around me would start to notice n care about me more. is that wrong? gosh i feel so bad about thinking this way sometimes. on to the NEW introduction. i guess im no longer the person i used to be, or thought i was. thus the need for another intro above everything else. no pics yet though. maybe when i feel less like a fatass.

Username: bestlittlegirl
Gender: Femme
Age: 18
Location: a little country in Asia which most people havent really heard of and would assume that its part of China...but its not really.
Ana? Mia? Both?: Used to restrict like crazy for a period of time back when i was around 15 or 16 but now i guess an accurate diagnosis would be EDNOS. and no i dont purge, i couldnt even if i tried. somehow there exists a morbid fear of vomitting for me.

Height: 5'4
CW: 99
LW: 85.5
HW: 105.6
STGW: 90
LTGW: 85 or lower
Favorite quote: dont really have one right now. quotes dont really seem to work for me anymore for some reason.
Biggest thinspiration?: real people really inspire me. especially when they've come a long way and i look at them n just know everything's possible. but celebrity wise it'd probably be kate bosworth or nicole richie. nicole's really cliched but its just amazing how she used to be big n now she's just so small.

have u guys ever felt like u couldnt stop being depressed n couldnt stop crying even if you tried to be happy about everything? it just kills when i go through times like this. and maybe thats also why i feel like i NEED attention. gosh i sound like some needy freak. im sorry.

10:18 am: plan
breakfast- celery (a lot of it) and coffee
first period- have some water on hand
2nd period- have stuff to chew on like mint flavoured gum
lunch-veggie sub no cheese or dressing
3rd period- have water again or coffee works too; just make sure theres no sugar in it
4th period-nothing
when you get home- BIG bowl of raisin bran, maybe 2. take vitamins and eat with water
supper- salad with no dressing, small bowl of low calorie campbells soup
rest of night- water maybe more cereal if you get really hungry. be sure NEVER to eat ANYTHING 3 hours before going to sleep

its supposed to work

01:31 am: food diary
what im supposed n hope to keep to.

800am- yoghurt n cereal
1100am- piece of fruit
215pm- wholemeal sandwich of some sort/nutrition bar
then i usually have like classes from 3pm all the way til 8-ish at night.
so at 9pm- i'll probably have some soupy dish or instant cereal.

but its in the nights when i eat the most junk n stuff. so it ruins everything. IF i could ever keep to this, i think i could relatively be at a weight that i would finally be satisfied with. which has never happened before. i think i need something to keep me occuppied. all the time. so i wont even have time to eat. although i'll probably be THINKING about food all the time. ugh. lets see how it goes.

CW: approx 100lbs now at 5'3.

10:25 pm: revived
okay, this is weird. im updating after like a realllly long time. all the time i just sort of lurk around in LJ reading and following up in other communitites n other people's LJs while mine is like rotting to death. i'll probably not update for another million years.

anyway. i should probably give an account of whats been going on so far. been trying to control n restrict. sometimes it works but most of the time i screw up right after i achieve some success. doesnt that just suck. lately, i've been so thinspired by these two particular girls that i see on a regular basis. one is like about 166cm and 39kg and the other is about 150cm and no more than 35kg. sigh. real life thinspiration always works doesnt it.

sometimes i get sick of struggling all the time. like i should just give up n eat normally. but then i realise, i just CANT. its not a 'want to restrict' kind of feeling anymore. its a 'NEED to restrict' thing. but i guess everyone here probably feels like that huh. its so hard.

12:21 pm: update
sorry i havent been updating.
CW: 98lbs
and good news, i grew taller! =))) that just means so much to me because i am such a shortie!

my friend lost a ton of weight. and when we went out for lunch together she refused to get anything. i am starting to get worried for her. now i know how my friends felt when i refused to get anything to eat in the past. but i am smarter now. not eating totally would get them suspicious, i cover up pretty well now. =)

last few weeks was terrible. my thighs were starting to touch and i was feeling unbelivably horrible about myself and my body. but last week i started to gain control and eat less. and im on my period! so 98 is not so bad. i hope some of it is water retention or something due to my period. and normally i get insane cravings but this time i did not get them. so thankful. i have to keep telling myself to be in control. its getting easier.

think thin everyone. love.

10:57 pm: weird
today this random friend of mine commented that i'd put on weight. and she said that once i put on, it would be next to impossible to lose. even if i dieted excessively, i would only lose 2 lbs at the most because i am 16 and am still growing. does that make sense? i mean, i dont know if its true. just wanted to hear what u guys thought about this.. true or crap?

06:49 pm: boosts metabolism
1. Build lean body mass. As mentioned above, metabolism slows as we age – by as much as two percent a year! But there is something you can do to counterbalance nature. “Muscle is the single most important predictor or how well you metabolize your food, how well you burn calories and burn body fat,” insists Shari Lieberman, author of Dare to Lose. Strength training with dumbbells or resistance bands at least twice a week is essential to boosting your metabolism. Repeat – essential. And here’s the really good news: Your metabolism stays pumped for many hours after you finish your workout.

2. Get moving. You know the drill, but here’s a reminder. At least 30 to 60 minutes of walking, jogging, cycling, swimming or some other form of aerobic exercise a minimum of three times a week is the other half of the exercise equation. “People don’t like to hear it but you have got to exercise,” says Lieberman.

3. Eat. It may sound crazy to those trying to lose weight by severely restricting their daily caloric intake, but the problem with this old school of thought, explains Michigan dietician Julie Beyer, is that it actually slows metabolism. “Every cell of the body is like a flashlight bulb,” she explains. “When our bodies don’t get enough food, or fuel, every cell burns less brightly.” Recent studies show that eating smaller meals every three to four hours aids metabolism and weight loss.



4. Ditch the sugar. Of course, you still have to make good choices about what you eat. “When you eat sugar you throw your metabolic switch into fat storage mode,” says Lieberman, who suggests a predominately low glycemic index diet, meaning foods that, unlike sugars, are broken down gradually to help maintain an even blood-sugar level.

5. Don’t skip breakfast. It’s a fact that people who eat a healthy breakfast are skinnier than people who don’t. And try to think outside the box. A breakfast bowl of vegetables and brown rice is a great way to kick-start your metabolism for the day.

6. Include hot foods. If Mexican and Thai are favorites, you’re in luck. “Spicy food that has hot peppers in it appears to boost metabolism,” Lieberman says.

7. Drink green tea. “There are unhealthy things that can boost your metabolism, like a really strong cup of coffee, or nicotine, but I would never say go have a cigarette!” says Michelle Streif, a personal trainer in Nebraska. Nor overdo it on caffeine, which also has undesirable side effects. Instead, go for green tea, says Lieberman, which is known to stimulate metabolism longer and more effectively than coffee.

8. Don’t forget H2O. Staying well hydrated is essential to flushing the body of toxic byproducts that are released when fat is burned. Cold water may also give your metabolism at least a small boost because energy is required to heat the body.

9. Avoid stress. At all costs. “Stress can actually cause weight gain, particularly around the tummy,” says Lieberman. Why? Because physical and emotional stress activates the release of cortisol, a steroid that slows metabolism.

10. Sleep. Research shows that people who don’t sleep for seven to eight hours a night are more prone to weight gain. Additionally, we now know that lean muscle is regenerated in the final couple of hours of sleep each night, says Beyer. Which takes you right back to tip number one!

01:05 am: low
im trying real hard to get back my self-control. its so hard sometimes.
i NEED to lose this weight. layers and layers disgust me.
love handles that i nver did se to have.
flabby arms.
sometimes i just feel like shooting myself.
ugh.

11:27 pm: 2nd
my hair's started to fall out pretty much recently. im so afraid of going bald. its freaky.

today went ok. although i ate a little more than what i would have liked to.

apple
wee bit of some chicken and fries
handful of chips
sandwich
diet coke
some ice dessert
pretzel

okey that was probably like a ton. but really its considered like much better than the binges i've been having. hmmm. hope i can keep it up.
im happy. will be exercising twice tomorrow. hope i can burn some serious calories. plus i've decided to start walking everywhere and stop being lazy. no pain no gain. wait that sounds corny. but i guess thats true aint it.

im feeling happy despite the fact that my diet is still not so on track but what the heck.
i realise i havent really lost any weight recently.
but thats because i've been binging like crazy so im just thankful that i havent PUT ON weight.
sometimes when i start binging, i dont really get worried because i'll just be thinking, oh well there's still tomorrow.. i'll start on a new fast. i do get seriously pissed with myself though. its like i totally lose control or something. and thats sucks.

08:00 am: new
back to it. im pissed with myself. gotta start making it work.

02:02 pm: vent
im not ana.
thought about it long and hard.
while i admire those anas for the self-determination that they have, i definitely dont like the thought of those sicknesses and organ failures that come with it.
these past few months i've been surfing around lookin at websites.
at a period of time i thought i really was coz my self image was so bad and i was so into pro-ana sites and stuff.
i think im just trying to lose weight.
been having weight struggles for as long as i can remember actually.
i really thank God for the body that he has given me and im really still struggling to accept myself for who i am.
i dont know if what im doing is right but i still have thoughts of wanting to lose weight.
and it makes me feel so guilty sometimes.
these past few days i'd made up yet another new diet plan that is to not eat after 4pm everyday.
and of course i dont think i can stick to it.
im so frustrated because i dont have the self control and determination that i want so badly.
im not trying to starve myself or anything, im just trying to lose some weight.
thats why i guess sometimes i really admire people who CAN lose weight because they actually have the determination and self control to do it and succeed.
or maybe my body type just loses weight like too slowly.
i remember a period of time in the past just recently actually, i controlled my diet, walked for miles and miles at every opportunity i had. going to the gym. drinking green tea, gallons of water. the works of it.
it didnt even work can u believe it. only lost about 2 1/2 kg tops.
maybe im too impatient.
i dont know.
sorry im typing in this funny way.
just feeling reallly really tiredd of all this stuff.
i want to stop thinkin about food, weight loss and stuff.
but its hard.
i know i'll just balloon if i dont control myself.
but then, im really exhausted.
nothing i do seems to be working and thats whats killing me.
sigh.

05:39 pm: hmm
okey pardon me if my entries look stupid. im still struggling to work it out with livejournal. changed the layout though. successfully thank God. feel rejuvenated man.. and im havin fun with those mood icons. so much variety to choose from..

exactly 31 days til my exams are over. after that i shall go into restricting full swing. cant wait though. how i wish exams ends now. hate studying with a vengeance. aagrh.

05:34 pm: new start
new here. my stats:

height: 5'2
CW: 95
HW: 95
LW: 86
GW: 80

aargh someone tell me how not to binge even when im not hungry.. going crazy. i just keep eating! tried going to the gym. doing treadmill and whatnots but it burns calories like really slowly?? pardon me im just an impatient freak. i need to lose all these weight, and fast! okey maybe i dont need to lose it fast but maybe one month to get to at least 85? is it possible? have this friend who lost like 14 pounds when she was already skinny in the first place. she took like one year though. but she manages to keep the weight off. thats the plus point about losing weight slowly.. hmm. she eats very little though. aargh. it all comes down to how much u eat doesnt it.

08:19 am: ate so much 4 breakfast already.

bread with tuna
1 orange
baked beans

wonder how much is that..

08:39 pm: new
set up this blog just so i could reply to all those communities. 'nuff said. here are my stats:

height: 5'2
CW: 95
LW: 86
HW: 95
GW: 80